Fredless

ooc

Sat, 16 Jul 2005 02:52:48 GMT

As I'm sure is pretty obvious by this point, I'm no longer writing Fred for TM and I was going to leave it as it was, but I'm self centered and am convinced everyone is wondering what happened and wanted to make a post. ;)

Seriously, though, I wanted to make a post just to let people know that I am not going to be RPing with Fred anymore either. I don't feel it's very fair to the new mun of Fred if I'm still playing my Fred with other TM muses. I'm no longer officially a part of TM, so it's time to step back and let the new Fred take over.

It certainly wasn't easy to let Fred go. I've had her since TM started and had some amazing writing experiences with her. Some were incredibly hard and left me shaken for days, but they were well done and I'm grateful that I got to write her and RP her with the people I did. So, yeah, thanks to everyone. And enjoy the new Fred.

Everyone's still welcome to come and harrass Ray, Joe or Lilah, however. Again, thank you.

Sat, 11 Jun 2005 06:58:49 GMT

Fred feels a little guilty that she hasn't gone to see Kara sooner, but she tries to put that out of her mind as she pulls up to the house and turns off her car. Her shoulder is completely healed, although she does have an impressive scar, and she's feeling more cheerful than normal as she walks up to the house and knocks on the door.

Sat, 14 May 2005 19:23:49 GMT

If you could only carry one memory with you into the afterlife, which would you choose?

[Locked from Wesley]

I know it's kind of silly, but if I'm bein' honest, there's only one moment that I'll never wanna give up. It's not like there aren't other things that I'm proud of, things that I wanna remember. There's so much in this world. There's been so much in my life. I've been lucky.

How do you pick one thing? My mother's smile and the way my dad hugs me. The time I sprained my ankle when I was ten and my mom carried me to bed even though I was too big to be carried and she almost hurt herself doin' it. The look my dad gave me every time I joked about makin' friends with movie actors and junkies when I moved to Los Angeles. The smiles on both their faces when they came to visit, the way they looked around my dorm room, all relieved I was still their daughter. Still their same Fred.

Angel ridin' up to me in Pylea. Savin' me. Cordelia ... god, just Cordelia. Everythin' about her. Charles tellin' me I'm gorgeous and tellin' me he loved me. Lorne askin' me to trust him even when I couldn't remember who he was. Spike with his smiles and his jokes and the way he gets under Angel's skin and you can just tell that they're the forever kinda duo, even if they both hate it. Connor ... that summer. Before I knew what happened to Angel. We were almost like family that summer, even all torn up and lost as we were. Me and Charles and Connor and Lorne. Almost like family.

The time spent at Wolfram and Hart. Seein' Cordy that one last time. Havin' her rescue Angel exactly like he needed to be rescued. All of them crowded around my hospital bed. Angel, Spike, Charles, Lorne, Wesley. Even Knox. Knowin' Spike and Angel were doin' everything they could to save me.

The here and now. Findin' Wesley again. Holdin' him. Kissin' him. Kara. Everything about Kara. Every smile and every time she's sad. Every dance class, every jump, every day I picked her up from Starbucks and even the time I caught her dancin' on a table. Havin' her braid my hair, cuddled up with her in bed and feelin' needed. Feelin' like a family again for the first time in months.

Above everything? Above and beyond all that, I'd wanna hold onto one moment more than anythin' else in the entire world.

"Would you have loved me?"
"I've loved you since I've known you. No, that's not -- maybe even before."

That's my memory. The one that'll never fade, never go away no matter what. Knowin' that, at the very least, he loved me for a little while.

trust ficlet

Mon, 09 May 2005 04:57:27 GMT

People always told her she was so trusting. Some said it like it was a bad thing, others said it like it was the best part of her personality.

"You're so trusting, Fred."

She'd smile happily because, to her, it was a compliment. She was trusting. It was a good thing.

Until it wasn't such a good thing anymore. Until she trusted professor Seidel and ended up in Pylea. Until she trusted him even after coming back and was almost sent there again. Until she trusted people who hurt her.

It was a good thing until she stupidly trusted Wolfram and Hart, until she touched the sarcophagus and ended up with a demon in her body. She trusted Angel to help her and he'd sent her away. It still wasn't such a terrible thing until she trusted Wesley the second time around.

She's not so trusting anymore. It's harder to get close to her now, something that she hates, but knows is necessary to keep herself from getting hurt again. It hurts her to know that people she loved caused part of her to shut down, but that's the way it has to be.

She used to be so trusting, but not now. She won't ever fully forgive the people who took advantage of that.

open to anyone who might want to visit Fred in the hospital

Thu, 21 Apr 2005 04:21:43 GMT

Three days in the hospital for a little bite. Well, in all honesty, the injury was anything but little, but she'd been through worse in her life. It looked infected, the doctors kept saying and Fred had made a little joke about losing the arm. No one had thought it was very funny.

She had read every single magazine the hospital room had to offer and couldn't be bothered to watch whatever was on TV during the day. She was used to being in class or working or studying. Something other than lying in a bed with nothing to entertain her beyond the controls that made the bed fold in half.

She didn't do that while she was still lying in it, of course.

Tue, 19 Apr 2005 05:47:17 GMT

ooc: Open to anyone who'd like to find Fred face down in a puddle of blood in the lobby of her apartment building. Or not. Either way, she'll live. But someone else needed to notice the Yasha demon running around Boston. And Fred needed a reality check.

Fred meant it when she told Wesley she'd call someone if she ever wanted to go out hunting. She justifies this by telling herself that she's not hunting. She's simply going out for a nice walk. At night. By the docks. With a crossbow and three stakes.

It's the first time she's been out hunting alone since becoming human again, since being given the new body. She knows that it's stupid, but that doesn't stop her from peeking into dark corners, hoping to find a vampire or two sucking on someone's neck. She'd even settle for a demon at this point, although she's not entirely certain she'd be able to handle a demon by herself. Vampires are one thing, but demons hit a little too close to home still.

So far, she hasn't come across a single vampire. She's been out for nearly an hour and nothing has happened, so with a sigh, Fred turns back in the direction of her apartment. She should probably tuck the crossbow into her jacket, but she carries in plain sight. It's late and she's pretty sure no one will bother her if she's carrying a crossbow. It's probably silly, but she's more wary of the people than of the vampires.

Three blocks from her apartment she passes an alley and hears a snarl. She stops just past the opening and listens for another noise. It didn't sound like a vampire, but she just wants to make sure. When she hears nothing after a few minutes, Fred turns her back on the alley and starts walking away.

She gets another block before she's knocked flat onto the cement and pain explodes in her shoulder. She's not even given a chance to react, a chance to scream. Whatever knocked her over sinks its teeth into her shoulder again and lifts her off the pavement and tosses her aside. She rolls over into the street, then holds up the crossbow blindly and fires.

Something howls and Fred tries to sit up, drag herself away and get a look at what attacked her all at the same time. She catches a glimpse of something that looks like a dog, but bigger, scarier. The arrow from her crossbow is embedded in its left front leg and it's frantically biting at it, trying to remove it. She probably doesn't have much time before it gets the arrow out and comes after her again.

Getting to her feet, Fred drops the crossbow in another spectacularly stupid decision and clutches her bleeding shoulder with her free hand. She's lost a lot of blood already and she knows if she doesn't make it to her apartment before she passes out, this thing, whatever it is, will probably kill her.

She breaks into a run toward her building, her sneakers pounding on the cement and she can't hear if it's following her above the sound of her shoes and her ragged breathing and the pounding of her heart. The outer door isn't locked and she throws it open, then pulls it behind her as quickly as she can. As she's scrambling for her pass card to the inner door, the demon throws itself against the glass. She lets out a small scream this time, then shoves the pass card into the slot and opens the inner door.

The demon throws itself against the door a second time and Fred turns to look at it too quickly, her eyes rolling back and she passes out, slumping on the floor of the lobby.

Thu, 14 Apr 2005 03:28:01 GMT

Fred's excited to be going out for dinner with Alan, more excited than she should be. But it seems like something important to her, going out for dinner with a friend, especially considering she doesn't really have many friends in Boston.

She's never been good at waiting, so she's sitting on her couch, forcing herself to study while she waits for Alan to arrive at the apartment.

Mon, 11 Apr 2005 05:50:36 GMT

What is your most treasured possession and why?

Feigenbaum. Master of Choas.

It's stupid, I know. He's just a stuffed animal. Just a toy I've had since I was little. He's fallin' apart and his whiskers have all been chewed off 'cause when my mom told me that I had to stop bitin' my nails when I was eight, I started chewin' on his whiskers instead. His ears are all ratty and they've been sewn back on more times than I can remember. His tail fell off somewhere along the way and I lost it, so it never got put back on. My mom just closed up the hole and I went right on playin' with him. Most of his fur is rubbed off, especially on his nose 'cause I used to kiss him there every night before I went to sleep. I used to fall asleep with him cuddled right up under my chin and when I'd wake up in the middle of the night he'd be on the floor or under my back or twisted up in some horrible way and I'd feel so bad. Even though I knew he was just a stuffed rabbit, I'd feel terrible.

'Cause, for a real long time, he was my only real friend. This is so silly and embarrassin', but it's true. I mean, anyone who knows me knows I'm a dork. I still am. I'm a complete geek. I don't like things regular women like. I like string compactification theories and, um, demon huntin' and puttin' on a lab coat every day. No one really liked me in school because of those things. Because I liked readin' at recess more'n runnin' around and chasin' boys and gigglin' about the silliest things. Then I got to high school and it was a little better. Things changed and you didn't hafta run around and chase boys to have at least a few friends.

But he's the only thing that got me through it anyway. Through all the stupid parties and the pressure to smoke pot and make out with some boy in a closet. The pressure to stop talkin' about history and physics, and be normal like everyone else. But I never was normal, was I? I kinda proved it with that whole bein' sucked into Pylea and then makin' my family a buncha demon fighters, didn't I?

That's not the point, though. The point is that Feigenbaum is my most treasured possession because he's always been there.

He waited five years for me when I went to Pylea and the only thing I wanted when I was sleepin' in that cage was him. Because it woulda been just like home to fall asleep with him under my chin and wake up to find him smushed against some stone.

He sat on my dresser in the hotel, watchin' over me. He was there for all those days that I locked myself up in there, writin' all over the walls. He saw me when I was insane and never left. I mean, mostly he didn't leave 'cause he's just a stuffed animal, but it was still important to me to have him there.

He had a special place on my vanity table when I got my own apartment. Sat there night and day. I still kissed him before I went to sleep. Still bein' a silly little girl, I know. But he was special to me.

When I died ... when I came back he wasn't there at first. When I was alone because Wesley was dead and Cordy was dead and the rest of my friends abandoned me, I didn't even have Feigenbaum. But Kitty found him somehow. Brought him to me, gave him to me. Let me hold something tangible when I couldn't touch anythin'. When I was at my most alone, he was there for me again. The only thing I felt for months until I learned how to control my body, how to make it solid. He was all I could feel. Soft fur, chewed up whiskers, the rough spot on his back where his tail used to be.

He's important to me because I know even when I'm alone, I'm not completely alone. Not forever.

Mon, 11 Apr 2005 03:55:17 GMT

You are one of the few out there whose wings are
truly ANGELIC. Selfless, powerful, and
divine, you are one blessed with a certain
cosmic grace. You are unequalled in
peacefulness, love, and beauty. As a Being of
Light your wings are massive and a soft white
or silver. Countless feathers grace them and
radiate the light within you for all the world
to see. You are a defender, protector, and
caretaker. Comforter of the weak and forgiver
of the wrong, chances are you are taken
advantage of once in awhile, maybe quite often.
But your innocence and wisdom sees the good in
everyone and so this mistreatment does not make
you colder. Merciful to the extreme, you will
try to help misguided souls find themselves and
peace. However not all Angelics allow
themselves to be gotten the better of - the
Seraphim for example will be driven to fighting
for the sake of Justice and protection of those
less powerful. Congratulations - and don't ever
change - the world needs more people like you.

Image Copyright Sheila Wolk (prints available
through treefreegreetings.com) - words added by
myself.

*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

I think that's a little over the top ...

Wed, 06 Apr 2005 19:11:07 GMT

If you could do one totally irresponsible or even bad thing with absolutely no consequences, what would it be and why?

Take back time. All of it. Right back to the beginnin'. And find some way to kill off all the Old Ones. Don't tell me it's impossible. I really don't care.

Why? Because it would change the entire course of human history. All for this moment, this problem. Selfish? Yep. Probably the most selfish thing I've ever wanted. Irresponsible ... definitely. Changin' history is a terrible thing to do. And I'd do it in a heartbeat.

But ... I wouldn't. In the end, if someone told me it was possible, I wouldn't. Because it's wrong. Because it would change everythin' and I'd lose this entire life. The parts I want to lose and the parts I don't. And so would everyone else.

*sighs* Maybe I'd just rob a bank or somethin'.

Wed, 06 Apr 2005 18:44:29 GMT

I spent all weekend packin'. Puttin' books into boxes, clothes into suitcases, pictures wrapped in paper and packed tightly together. I picked up the phone a dozen times to call the library and quit. A dozen more times to call the college and ask to be withdrawn from the courses.

But this is all wrong. So she's here. Tucker's right. I was here first.

When did I stop bein' a fighter?

What happened to me?

Tue, 05 Apr 2005 04:16:52 GMT

I think, all things considered, I've been pretty understandin'. I love him. I love her. I had the beginnin' of a real family. But, no, seems I wasn't meant to have that. I didn't get a choice. I wanted that so badly and ... I can't have it. Yeah, I made the decision to leave, put the blame on me. It's alright. I seem to take the blame anyway. I deal with that. They're happy now and I'm not part of that. I deal with that every day.

I deal with not bein' able to see her in the mornin' and at night. I deal with goin' home to my apartment alone. I deal with that. Alone.

Knox picked me. And because of him and her, I died. No one knows the pain I went through. No one knows how much it hurt, how my body burned up from the inside out. No one knows how it felt as my brain began to collapse. Yeah, I felt that. I felt my skin harden. I felt my organs begin to turn to liquid. I felt all of it and I deal with that too. Again, I do it alone. Because everyone's so busy dealin' with their own pain. My pain's not special to them. I know this.

But she is still walkin' around in my body. She is still on this earth wearin' me. She's inside of me. This body that I have now? I love it. I'm so thankful for it. But it's not mine. I wasn't born with this. This was created for me. She has everythin' I was born with and she's wearin' it like a costume.

Like a shell.

And, y'know, I've been real understandin' about that too.

When you love someone, you defend 'em. Even if they're wrong. Which I really don't think I am in this case. You don't take the thing wearin' their body under your wing while they watch.

I've defended him against every turn. Every person who said a bad word about him. I've thought some of those bad things myself because he hurt me so bad, but I've never not defended him. Because I love him. And I'm tryin' to defend him to myself, I'm tryin' to defend him against my own thoughts, but ... she's inside me. She helped kill me. I don't care that she didn't mean to.

I just wanted someone to stand up to her and tell her she wasn't welcome here. Because I'm tryin' to make this city my home and now she's here and I can't. I just can't. How can I make this place my home with her here?

And the only person to defend me was a fifteen year old girl. A girl who shouldn't hafta defend me. Who should be lookin' to me to defend her. I love you, Kara. But I think it's time I went back to Texas.

I can't keep bein' the one who understands.

Sat, 02 Apr 2005 03:24:30 GMT

Do I dress like a lesbian?

And on that note, how do lesbian's dress that make 'em stand out enough to cause someone to say I dress like one?

Thu, 24 Mar 2005 07:13:02 GMT

What's the scariest thing that's ever happened to you?

She's choking and coughing and crying, and this is it. This is it.

"I need you to talk to my parents. They have to know I wasn't scared, that it was quick. That I wasn't scared." Her body is shaking and convulsing and she doesn't understand why. She doesn't know what's eating her up inside, making her feel so empty and so broken. There's nothingness and there's pain and it's all wrapped into one big mass inside her stomach and it just keeps spreading. "Oh, God."

She can feel Wesley's hands on her arms trying to hold her up. His eyes are on hers, holding her here, but only briefly. She knows she's dying. She's known for hours, but now it's actually happening. She knows it's done, but she doesn't know what's inside of her, what will come out when she's gone. It's too scary to think about, the parasites, the demons, all the possibilites. All she wants is to close her eyes and have everything be alright again.

"You have to fight. You don't have to talk, just concentrate on fighting. Just hold on," he's saying to her, but he sounds so far away.

Her body is shutting down. She wants nothing more than to fight, to hold on, to stay, but this thing inside her isn't letting her. It's winning and she hates it.

"I'm not scared. I'm not scared. I'm not scared."

The truth is, she's never been more scared in her life. She can't compare her fear of Pylea to this moment, nothing has ever been quite so terrifying. She can't even hold herself up anymore. Her body is quitting on her and her head lolls to the side. Her grip on his shoulder weakens, even as she claws to hold on. Control is lost, her limbs refuse to work, her eyes are having trouble focusing.

"Please, Wesley, why can't I stay?"

There's white hot pain coursing through her and she can't feel him anymore. She can't feel anything but the pain and her soul is gone and everything is burning.

She dies. And it feels like she's never been so alone.

ooc: Quotes, of course, from the episode 'A Hole in the World'.

Tue, 15 Mar 2005 19:24:50 GMT

What in your life are you most dissatisfied with?

Would it be real annoying and optimistic of me to say nothin'? Nothin' at all. I'm satisfied, I'm happy. How could I not be? I've got my body back, my life ... I'm goin' to school, finishin' my degree. Got my condo, my car, my own life, for once.

I was never a champion. Not like Angel and Cordy and Wes. I just wasn't brave like them. And, much as I felt fulfilled helpin' them, it's nice to finally sit back. To not have to help save the world. I mean, if they needed me I'd be there in a second. They know that. But I was never like them. So it's good to finally be me. To have my life.

A good life.

I'm more'n satisfied. I'm thrilled. For the first time in years.

Fri, 11 Mar 2005 01:47:51 GMT

If you could change one person's mind about something, who and what would it be?

There are so many people in the world and so many things to change their mind about. I could change Buffy's mind about ever ... y'know, gettin' physical with Angel and havin' him turn into Angelus. Or I could change Cordy's mind about becomin' a higher being. Or Wesley's mind about shootin' Knox or Gunn's mind about gettin' that transplant stuck into his head. I could change Angel's mind about lettin' Conner go. I could change Conner's mind about Angel -- help him really see Angel for who he is. I could change Knox's mind about wantin' to have me for Illyria's vessel, but that doesn't even matter anymore.

I could change my own mind about so many things I've done. But wouldn't that make 'em ... regrets? If you wanted to change your mind about somethin', wouldn't that mean you regretted it? I don't regret anythin' I've done.

Well, except maybe readin' outta that stupid book in the library that got me sent to Pylea. But if I hadn't been in Pylea then I never woulda met Angel or anyone else and that would change my entire life.

So ... I don't know. It's not my place to change decisions people have made for themselves, y'know?

[private]
Maybe I'd change Kara's mom's decision to get in the car that day. Maybe she'd wanna stay home with her daughter. Maybe they'd both have the flu and couldn't go anywhere.

Or maybe I'd change Roger's mind about hurtin' Wesley when he was a little boy. I'd make him realize that Wesley was a good, shining example of a man.

Maybe I'd change Ben's mind about ever comin' to Boston.

Or maybe I'd change Alan's mind on his opinion of himself. Maybe he'd see himself the way I do for once.

There's a lotta maybes, but it's not my place. Those are their lives and their decisions.
[/private]

Thu, 10 Mar 2005 23:55:42 GMT

I have a body! An honest to goodness real body. I can feel everythin' and my heart's beatin' again and ... it's just so wonderful. All because of Wesley and Willow and ...

Well, whoever made the body. No one ever told me. But whoever did, thank you. Thank you so much.

Thank you, Willow.

Thank you, Wesley.

I can't ever tell you how much this means. To have this second chance.

Tue, 08 Mar 2005 04:33:12 GMT

Fred's surprisingly nervous about this whole spell. This is a body. A real live body for her to live and die in and do whatever else she wants with. But it's also magic and sometimes magic goes wrong. She trusts Wesley and she trusts Willow. She knows how good they both are with magic, but she can't help thinking about what would happen if she died. What she'd regret saying or not saying. Doing or not doing.

What she'd really like to do is write letters to everyone she would miss if she died, but that's a lot of people and she sort of left this for the last minute. If anything goes wrong, she'll make sure Wesley speaks with her parents, but there's one person she'd regret not talking to. There's only one person she'd really regret not trying to make things right with. She hadn't meant to disappear from Kara's life, but with everything that had happened it had seemed easier to let her fall into a real family.

She doesn't even know how to do it, really. Should she call or write an email or even a letter? Or should she just go over there? Risk seeing Ben just to see Kara?

She figures it's worth it, no matter who she sees, so she grabs her jacket and car keys and heads down to the parkade.

On the drive over she tries to figure out exactly what she's going to say. Even as she pulls into the driveway she's really not sure, but she figures an apology is the best way to start.

Without hesitation she gets out of the car and goes up to the foor door, ringing the doorbell. Then she waits and tries not to think about how nervous she is.

((OOC: Ultimately this'll obviously be for Kara, but I really don't care who opens the door. She's really not concerned with anyone else at the moment.))

Fri, 25 Feb 2005 07:41:20 GMT

How do you think your muse would react if it were placed into Alice in Wonderland?

Talkin' rabbits and evil queens? Caterpillars smokin' drugs and bottles that say 'drink me'? I'd probably think I was back in somewhere like Pylea, only with different kinds of demons. I don't think I'd like that place too much.

Except maybe for the cat. I always did like him when we watched the movie.

Drabble based on the word 'beautiful'

Fred had never been one of the beautiful girls in high school. She'd never even been one of those beautiful little girls everyone fawned over in grade school. She'd been cute, plain, skinny, gangly, nerdy, sweet, quiet, smart. But she'd never been beautiful.

If she'd heard one awkward rejection, she'd heard them all.

"You're great, Fred, really, but I just don't think of you like that." "We're friends. I don't want to ruin that bond." "You're sweet, but ..." "You're so smart, Fred. But I want someone beautiful."

There had been boys who'd seen just beyond the brains, just beyond the glasses and skinny frame. Boys who'd been nice enough to call her cute, but she'd been one of those girls who'd never heard that she was beautiful from anyone but her mother. Fred hated being one of those girls all through high school, but at college it didn't matter anymore. At college it was okay that she was skinny and geeky, it worked to her advantage even, and suddenly she didn't care about being beautiful anymore.

Pylea took that away. She got back to this world, a world where she wasn't always covered in grime, where she could wear glasses without cracks in them, where she could brush her hair and suddenly she was back to feeling like she had in high school. Back to wanting to be something else.

He'd changed it with two sentences. Less than ten words. "Ah, come on. You know you're gorgeous."

And for the first time she was glad she wasn't beautiful because she was something else. She was gorgeous. To him.

Tue, 01 Feb 2005 18:34:16 GMT

Describe what your "Happily Ever After" would be like.

I'm so sick of answering this question.

Everyone knows. Family, children, a job I love.

Sun, 23 Jan 2005 04:16:58 GMT

What's the furthest away you've ever been from the place you were born/created? How did you get there? Why did you go? Did you return or even want to come back to where you came from?

Um, probably Pylea. 'Course, I don't really know the exact coordinates of Pylea, but I'm pretty sure it's the furthest I've ever been from Texas. I mean, it's another dimension. It's gotta be further away from Texas than England.

Anyway, I got there through a portal that opened in the library. I was just lookin' at a book and ... well, I sorta read it aloud and then fell onto this dirt road and within minutes all these green people were around me. I found out later they were demons. They put this electric collar on me and called me a cow. The one that found me first traded me for some weird lookin' eggs and a carpet. It was just ... well, that's not the question is it? I can't ... I mean, I don't hafta talk about it.

I didn't really get much of a choice in it, so there's no real answer for 'why did I go'. I just went. I went completely unwillingly.

I definitely wanted to come back. I hated that place. I spent five years there tryin' to figure out how to get back home. It was the only thing I wanted. Then Angel, Wes, Gunn and Cordy ended up there, and because of their help I got to go home. Well, I got to come back to Los Angeles and eventually I did go home again. That's ... really all there is to it. I mean, there's more. There's loads more. Pylea was the most horrible place I've ever been. But that's another question, I think.

Sat, 08 Jan 2005 05:09:46 GMT

Reflect on the past year in your life. Did you have children? Did you find 'God', forsake God? Did you marry? Break up? What was this past year like in your life?

I don't even know where to begin. So much has happened to me this year. Everythin' changed. I mean, I died, for one. That's a big change right there. That'll be somethin' that'll always make 2004 a year I'll remember. And then I came back. That's definitely another memorable part of the year.

That was scary and I was so alone for it. I was just here and I was by myself. No one helped me. No one wanted to help me. Wesley had died in the time I was gone and I didn't know. No one would tell me. My friends turned their backs on me, they refused to help me. I found myself without a family for the first time since Pylea. I didn't have Angel or Cordy or Wesley. I didn't have my mom and dad 'cause I couldn't go back to Texas like I was. Walkin' through walls and things like that.

I didn't revert back to livin' in caves, I'm happy to say.

I found new friends. Maybe not a new family, but I did find new friends. People who took me in and helped me.

Then Wesley came back and everythin' was perfect again. It didn't matter that we'd both died because ... well, who cares in a situation like that? I had the exact life I'd always dreamed of for a little while. I had perfection. I had Wesley. It didn't matter that he was Immortal and I was a ghost. It didn't matter that we'd be alive forever or that we couldn't have babies. I was willin' to give all that up. To spend a lifetime with him. I woulda been real happy. I know that.

Then he got the Slayers. Kara and Brooke and Lisa. I didn't know Brooke well. She went home, which was sad for Kara, but the best thing for Brooke. She needed home. I still don't know Lisa very well. She's a Slayer at heart, I think. Kara is ... they became my family. Wesley and Kara. They became everythin' I'd wanted. I remember thinkin' that I couldn't be happier right after Wes came back, but it turned out to be such a lie because when I had them both, I was happier. I felt ... I dunno, complete.

But that was stupid. Because he didn't want that with me and because he didn't, I got her taken from me too. He got a new family and I got to be alone.

Then I made more friends. People who helped me when I thought I was going to die inside. Slowly things got better.

Now I have my own place. A newish car. I'm going back to school. MIT, actually. I'm real proud of that. *shrugs* I met Daniel, which is a start.

I can't go back and make everythin' go away. I don't think I would if I could. It was a very hard year and I hope I never hafta live through another one like it again, but I wouldn't change it.

OOC

Tue, 04 Jan 2005 20:52:37 GMT

I already posted this on theatrical_fen, but figured I'd post it here too as there's a slight revision. I'm going to be very busy for most of January and February, so I assumed I'd be unable to RP.

I've just today realized that I no longer have classes on tuesdays and thursdays, so I won't be completely unavailable. It may take me a bit longer to respond to comments until the end of February, but I should still be around.

[private - before the new year's eve party]

Sat, 01 Jan 2005 04:25:21 GMT

I'm really, really nervous. I'm dressed. I'm ready. My mom made sure my wings were on straight and that I didn't look stupid. She says I look beautiful. If Daniel doesn't come dressed as Captain Hook I'm gonna feel absolutely ridiculous. What if he thinks I look stupid? What if I do look stupid? What if nothin' goes right and the entire night is a waste and ...

Oh, god. What if I get magically drunk again somehow? That was bad. That was just bad. Bad, bad, bad. I don't want to seem stupid.

What if he stands me up?

What if we get lost?

What if Delerium doesn't want us there?

Okay. Okay, I'm calm.

Is this a date? I haven't been on a date in ... since before Pylea. Unless you count breakfast with Charles, but I don't think that was a date. At least, it wasn't a first date. We had already kissed.

I'm calm.

No, I'm not. What if everthin' goes wrong?

I wish Kara was here. In Boston. Or Cordelia. Oh, I wish Cordelia was here. She'd know how to calm me down. She'd know just what to say.

I'm calm. Really. I am.

Mon, 27 Dec 2004 03:16:30 GMT

Do you believe in the possibility of a true friendship between a man and a woman?

Well, sure. Charles and I were just friends ... well, then we dated. Okay, bad example. Wesley and I were friends first, but then we kinda dated too. Does Lorne count? He's a male demon. Oh! And Angel. Angel and I were just friends except for that tiny part about me havin' a huge crush on him for ages and ages.

I don't really know what you mean be true friendship. Alan and I are just friends. And Ethan and I are just friends. And Spencer, that nice boy in my ballet class is just my friend. But I don't know if they're true friendships, y'know? I like them all. Alan and Ethan more'n Spencer, of course, but does that make our friendship true? Alan sat beside me for hours the night I left Wesley. He didn't do anythin' ... well, that's not true. He bought me beer. But he didn't hafta do anythin', so he just sat with me. Talked with me. Does that make it a true friendship?

Ethan took me on a ski trip and created an instructor just for me. And he took Kara and I shoppin'. And there was talk of a New Years Eve party. But that doesn't make his friendship less true than Alan's just 'cause he wasn't there right after a horrible thing that happened in my life.

So maybe we need to define true friendship before we can answer if it can exist between a man and a woman. Besides, isn't that kinda ... I dunno ... it's not very politically correct, is it? Can a true friendship exist between two women? Or two men?